Someone whom you love, but are filled with anxiety and uncertainty around?
Someone who is supposed to love you and claim they do, but they reject you at the slightest provocation?
Someone who can rock you to your core when you feel the weight of their true feelings about you?
It sears my soul to say that, for me, these people are my parents.
I love them. I do. And I'm sure they would say the same about me. But . . .
My parents are complicated people, as am I. It just appears that we are not compatible. They find hurt in so many things I do and say and, honestly, I'm not sure why. I'm not a mean person. They see such uglines in things that I do innocently or absent mindedly. They seem to see and revel in the very worst of me, which is certainly present, to be sure.
It has been the biggest struggle of my life, my relationship with my parents. How can it be that I don't recognize the reflection of myself that I see in my parents' eyes? Can they really be that wrong about me?
Aren't parents genetically engineered to see the best in their children?
Perhaps I am the mean and difficult and nasty person they believe I am. Is that possible? Might I be that person without knowing it? Is it that no one else sees the real me? Or is afraid to be honest with me?
When you have difficulties on such a deep level with your parents, it blurs your self identity. It makes you question who you are right down to your soul. It makes you distrust yourself in all things.
I'm 40 years old now. I have my own family to focus on; my children to raise. It's time I stand in my own shoes and know who I am. And I do.
Until I mix my parents . . . and then the earth seems to shift beneath my feet . . .
and nothing is sound.
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21 comments:
Oh dear, I can not find the right words to give you comfort I am afraid. Believe in yourself, who you are and love your children. concentrate on them.
love and hugs
Lyn
xxx
My mother was always very critical of things I did. I never did things right. I finally just gave up and listened and never said anything back. It wasn't worth it to me. Now that she's in a nursing home I can't do anything wrong. Go figure. My cousins mother (mom's sister) was so bad with her two girls that they didn't speak to her and their father. They only got back with their father when their mother died. Unfortunately, he died within the year of the mother. Parent - child relationships can be very difficult.
Let their hurt only make you stronger. Believe in yourself.
Oh yes, at what point do we declare ourselves grown-up and no longer under their control? I keep waiting for that day that I'll feel like an adult around them. My mom can be quite critical, but in the" brush you with a feather" sort of way that sometimes you don't know what hit you until later. I'll be thinking of you. This must be a difficult thing for you, so thanks for the openness and honesty.
Oh, my sweet friend, I am so sorry you have this going on in your life.
Sometimes you just have to look the other way, but love them regardless.
Some people just like being miserable & critical ... that is so sad.
Sometimes you just have to walk away & not look back.
You are a sweet gal, just enjoy & be yourself.
Have a beautiful week.
TTFN ~ Hugs in love, Marydon
Honey, you are not any of those traits that your are questioning. Your parents issues are THEIR OWN, but unfortunately those issues effect you whenever you are around them. You are not what other people say your are! What other people think of you has nothing to do with you. REALLY TRULY, you cannot let your parents criticism change the way you act or love.
With my own mother (we have different issues) I had to let go of my expectations of relationship. I have always wanted to have a close, comforting, trusting, confiding relationship with her, but I cannot. She will never be the mother that I dream of. For whatever reason, she is who she is. Now before I visit her, I ensure that I have my expectations right, I do not stay with her, instead I take her out somewhere neutral where we can catch up, that way if I need to leave I can, Im not in her house etc. I set the boundaries of our relationship so that I do not get hurt.
Is this something you could do?
Wish I could take you out for coffee and have a good girl chat.
LISA xxx
Renee,
I've been reading your blog for a while now and have never seen a mean-spirited person in your writing. I do believe our true selves shine through in our blogs. We can't hide our idiosincracies. You have always come across as a caring, compassionate, supportive person.
Some people only see negatives...even where there are none. My in-laws fall into this category. I know I can't change them, however, before they visit, I give behavior expectations. No tantrums are allowed. Since they live in Australia, they don't visit often.
I choose to associate with positive people with a sense of humor. When I know my in-laws are coming, I put these friends on notice. Consider your blogging buddies on notice. Let us know when your family is visiting and we will help hold you up!
Anna
Sometimes our parents make it very difficult for us as their children, to have a good relationship with them. I don't really know why, but it happens.
I could never do anything good enough for my Mother. She criticized easily and I wore my heart on my sleeve. When I stayed away and just called, she would do her best to make me feel guilty.
I don't think you ever get over it.
But as one person said you have to set boundries.
I wish you peace of mind my dear.
hugs
Sissie
((((Renee))))
((((((Renee)))))
I used to feel like this with my sister who is 20 months older than me. She felt she could lecture me about how I was living my life and the mistakes I was making. In the end I was getting so upset that I wrote her a huge long email explaining how hurtful I found her attitude. She was shocked, she thought she was being helpful. Ever since she has judged me less and we have been much closer.
My mother is whole different ball game and I'm not sure I will ever fix that.
I hope you find the strength to believe in yourself, and see that the problem is with them not you.
x
I don't think you're along when it comes to this issue..I have a few people in my life that made keep me on my tippy-toes too. Sometimes, being in the same room with them I feel like I can cut the tension with a knife.
I have tagged you, but if you don't do this sort of thing, it's fine too.
When Mike and I moved back to NC from Texas in 2006 I had a big fight with my parents. It started about my brother's dog chasing my cat, but turned into other uglier things. My dad even chased me out of the house and punched me several times in the back when I fell down on my hands and knees. My back hurt for weeks. I didn't speak to them or most of my family for over a year. I made it very clear that my life is my life and NO ONE is going to dictate to me how I am going to live....including my parents. If any part of my life is that much of a problem, then don't be a part of it...plain and simple. Seems harsh, and it was very hard to do, but we only have room in our lives for people who are going to be positive influences. We've mended things with my parents. Things ain't perfect, but there has to be a definition as to what is allowed. They can tell me if they don't like something, but I respond with I'll change it or tough titty! That's the way it is! Life has made me thick skinned about a lot of things, and I suppose that's sad. But it's also survival, you know? I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy the family you do have....hubby and kids.
~Randy
I always feel like my parents are judging me, so I totally understand where you're coming from. Just this weekend I've been able to 'mention' to my mother that I'm tired of apologising for the state of my house and the way that I live (honestly, you'd swear that having too many craft materials in your house was equivalent to assault) and the more that I've said it (in my head) the better I'm feeling.
Good luck with your parents. It's so dissappointing when there are bits of our lives we just can't control, and all we can do is try to make it different for the next generation.
And I think you seem very lovely.
Hugs from Australia.
Oh you sweet girl - yes we are all girls when it comes to it.
However, you are a woman in your own right, a mum.
Be strong. Invest in yourself & your family- that's what counts first. Everything else is second.
I am so sorry.
I have other friends who have gone through this and know from their sharing how very painful this can be.
I wish healing for you...with or without your parents' cooperation.
((Hugs))
And by the way...YOU are 40? I would never have guessed! You look so young! I am 42 and thought you were a lot younger than me.
Becky K.
How are you feeling today ?
I remember my husband standing up to his ( very controling / criticising ) parents. We had a rift for a long time but OK now - but we still have to reinforce that we are - grown up, married, and these are OUR children. They are pretty damn wonderful children actually too if they tried harder they might find that out !!!!
None of us like to be criticised but these days I take a long look and think " well you aren't perfect are you ?"
Hope you are feeling brighter xxxx
Hugs and comfort to you. I wish I had magic words to fix it for you....we are all fixers, aren't we? Just remember not to see yourself through the eyes of others all of the time. And the best advice I can give you is to pray about it.
Karen Eileen
Hi Sweetie...
I have finally found some time to breathe and wanted to pop over, sign up to follow you, and let you know how much I enjoyed our visit.
I can not believe you are 40. I thought you were much younger than that sweetie. You have beautiful young skin.
Don't look back, don't let the saddness tear at your heart. You know who you are, and what you have or have not done, so just keep moving forward. You have a wonderful husband and family, they know you. One day at a time sweetie. One day at a time.
Have a beautiful week. Please stop by and say hi sometime. I am posting the pics all week and then some of what Marydon and I did all week. Oh my we had such a great time. I pray you will stay in touch with her. She so enjoyed visiting with you. Country hugs sweetie and so much love, Sherry
I'm so sorry to hear about the hurt you are feeling. I know that criticism from my parents can still send me reeling even in my 50's. Somehow they know how to push my buttons.
You know who you are. Your family loves you. For some reason, your parents want to play an old record - perhaps from feelings of insecurity. I know this to be absolutely true: when someone is mean to another or hurtful, ultimately it has nothing to do with the person being criticized and everything to do with criticizer herself. It is projection.
That doesn't make it any less hurtful, but does allow you to step back, observe the situation, and then refuse to buy into it.
I wish you peace.
xo
Claudia
I know how you feel..I was always the golden child..the oldest..could do no wrong..I did not ask for that title, believe me. the last few years I have been a disappointment to my parents, and I blame them, not me..they are getting older and more difficult, especially my dad. Sometimes he is not a nice old man! I love them both and glad they are still among the living, but it's so hard to have a parent 'turn' on you..be te best you can for YOU and YOUR family..Avoid the negative nellys..
Barb
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