Do you have anyone in your life whom you constantly seem to disappoint?
Someone whom you love, but are filled with anxiety and uncertainty around?
Someone who is supposed to love you and claim they do, but they reject you at the slightest provocation?
Someone who can rock you to your core when you feel the weight of their true feelings about you?
It sears my soul to say that, for me, these people are my parents.
I love them. I do. And I'm sure they would say the same about me. But . . .
My parents are complicated people, as am I. It just appears that we are not compatible. They find hurt in so many things I do and say and, honestly, I'm not sure why. I'm not a mean person. They see such uglines in things that I do innocently or absent mindedly. They seem to see and revel in the very worst of me, which is certainly present, to be sure.
It has been the biggest struggle of my life, my relationship with my parents. How can it be that I don't recognize the reflection of myself that I see in my parents' eyes? Can they really be that wrong about me?
Aren't parents genetically engineered to see the best in their children?
Perhaps I am the mean and difficult and nasty person they believe I am. Is that possible? Might I be that person without knowing it? Is it that no one else sees the real me? Or is afraid to be honest with me?
When you have difficulties on such a deep level with your parents, it blurs your self identity. It makes you question who you are right down to your soul. It makes you distrust yourself in all things.
I'm 40 years old now. I have my own family to focus on; my children to raise. It's time I stand in my own shoes and know who I am. And I do.
Until I mix my parents . . . and then the earth seems to shift beneath my feet . . .
and nothing is sound.
8 hours ago