Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Need to Stop; A Goodbye

I've been thinking about this for some time.

It is time to say goodbye here, to stop blogging.

The reason is that I simply have nothing to say.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I have been struggling.

I'm not the same person I was when I began this blog a year and a half ago.

Much has happened, and much has been lost.

I feel as if I am in a bit of a state of stun.

You know how you feel, or would feel, after a hard slap across your cheek?  That immediate stun, a moment of incalculable numbness and silence, before you awake and feel and react?

My whole life is in that state right now.

It looks as if my daughter will never be home here with us again.  She is too disturbed, and we are simply not enough for her.  She will go on to live with a family more suitable to her needs. 

It looks as if most of my family cannot comprehend this reality and quiet blame and mistrust has chilled into stone-cold silence.

And I don't know how I'll ever get over this.

I thank God Almighty for my son and for my husband.  For despite all my grief and all my loss, I am still a rich woman.

But I simply have nothing to say here.

I have tried to stumble along, trying to find my voice again, my humor, my style.  It is not there.

I can't find anything to say that I think anyone else will care about or that will be worth your time or my time.

Everything seems trite.  The truth is, I have only deeply personal things on my mind and in my heart right now.

And the deeper things are stuck in a stunned pause.

So I will have to say goodbye here.

And thank you all -- every one of you -- who ever saw my name and felt persuaded to see what I had to say that day.  You have done me a kindness that I cherish beyond words.

I will still be around to read your blogs here and there.  While I seem to have nothing worthwhile to say, you all certainly do, and I look forward to stopping by to say hello from time to time, checking in on each of you.  I would miss you terribly if I didn't.

I think I will leave this blog here and maybe some day I will be this person again.  I can't bear to just delete it.

So thank you once again for coming by.  It has meant more than I could ever, ever express.

I wish you each peace, joy, and love . . . the greatest of these is love.

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