Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I Begin Again.

Last year at this time, I was sitting in a paper gown, answering questions, feeling my heart pound, and holding my husband's hand.  My surgery was scheduled for 11:30. 

My surgery went smoothly and I woke up in the recovery room, dreaming of my childhood basset hound, and missing my left adrenal gland. 

It had to go.  It had grown a mass.  It was kind enough to make it a benign mass, but it was creating extremely elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels and jeopardizing my health and longevity. 

It has been a long year.  The offending adrenal gland had been so over-producing for so long that my remaining adrenal gland had stopped working.  Well, much like an under-paid, under-appreciated employee who suddenly receives double duty, the under-utilized adrenal gland does not rush back to production.  It took months for the stubborn little gland to come back to life, and, while I took enough cortisol in pill form to stay alive, a cortisol deficit is quite debilitating.  For months I felt fluish and weak and exhausted and cold.  Then I improved to just weak and exhausted and cold.  By the time I improved to just exhausted and cold, I was quite grateful.  I am now almost back to normal, but a normal I have not known in years, for that over-active adrenal gland has marred my idea of normal.

I still feel cold almost every minute, and tired is always right behind me like a shadow.  But I am better.  And I am alive.  And, I am told, I am healthy. 

Now to get my head to believe it.

I have spent so much time being sick, and then more time feeling sick, that now I don't seem to believe that I am no longer sick.  And so I apologize to all who are sick.  I know how lucky I am.  My condition was reversible.  It has been reversed, and I am all but totally recovered.  Now I just need to grab hold of life and live it again.  To begin again.  Without any grudges.

So here I go.  I am closing out the year of feeling unwell and monitoring every symptom.  Of not trusting my body.  Of focusing on its limitations and shortcomings.  I am going to trust my body now, enough to focus on living my life, and leave the day-to-day running of things to my body again which is healthy and is trustworthy and is strong.

I begin again.   


Thank you for listening.


bad penny said...

oh bless you for writing this. So sorry you feel so cold.

I'm going to comment again later as I'm rushed at the o xx

KeLLy aNN said...

Trusting Your body....well said.
I'm glad that you are feeling better, nothing like gratitude and thanks to make it all a little bit brighter....well, that and GLiTTer!

Chicken Boys said...

I say good for you! As for normal though, not sure there is normal. People are just plain different. Forget countries, regions, states, counties. Neighbors are different. But I wish you luck on that, nonetheless. Hope all goes well for you, dear.

Diney said...

You begin again - good luck on your journey. x

Ticking and Toile said...

oh what a journey! You're making it though! I just found your blog & I know you don't know me, but I wanted to tell you about something my dad just told me about. He has a good friend that has diabetes and very poor circulation, so he is always cold. Then he started drinking cayenne pepper tea....and he is warm again. I've never tried it, but thought I would pass it along. Maybe it will work for you too. Good Luck!


Chickens in the Basement said...

You are my kind of sick girl! I would have thought you were healthy all of this time. No whining or moaning! Just get it done! Now, as you begin to count on your body to do all the work, I bet within a month or so, you forget to monitor and move on to really, truly living your life as a healthy, happy woman! I'm thrilled for you! Welcome back to the world of the obliviously busy!

As for the cold, I have a suggestion. I have been buying wool sweaters from Goodwill to felt. In the men's department, I found two great sweaters that are really big. I wear them all the time. They fit over anything else I own. One even buttons up. I roll up the sleeves and pretend I'm wearing my boyfriend's sweater. It really knocks the chill off!

tdjunkie said...

Good luck, Lemony, you can do it.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

I'm cheering for you! :-)

Lyn said...

What anuplifting post. Wishing you well on your future journey.

Patti said...

Well lucky you - lucky for being so blessed - and also for realizing it...Happy Day!!

The Muse said...

my heart felt wishes and prayers!

Weza said...

Glad to hear you are on the improve. I have never heard of the adrenal gland thing. Love how you described your remaining one. Like an underpaid employee... HA HA.
Bless ya.
I have a cure for feeling cold, a holiday in Australia. You would warm up very quickly. xxx

bad penny said...

I'm so glad tht you have reversed your codtion with the surgery - I kind of did the same when I asked for a hysterectmy after years of treatment for pre cancerous cell movement on the cervix. I never looked back & have taken away all the worry.

Keep well xx

Anna Bartlett said...

And all the very best for the new improved you! Be well.

Knitty said...

What a great post! I think I will begin again today too. Save me a seat on the bus, will ya?

Claudia said...

So glad you are feeling better. Wishing for you only the best ahead. You deserve it.


Missy AKA Little Messy Missy said...

What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly.--Lao Tzu

Every path creates us. I can't wait to see what the earth has in store for you! Good luck!

Mumsy said...

Oh Renee, I truly hope that you'll continue feeling healthy, and congratulation on a new beginning again..

Be gentle to yourself!

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