Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Need to Stop; A Goodbye

I've been thinking about this for some time.

It is time to say goodbye here, to stop blogging.

The reason is that I simply have nothing to say.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I have been struggling.

I'm not the same person I was when I began this blog a year and a half ago.

Much has happened, and much has been lost.

I feel as if I am in a bit of a state of stun.

You know how you feel, or would feel, after a hard slap across your cheek?  That immediate stun, a moment of incalculable numbness and silence, before you awake and feel and react?

My whole life is in that state right now.

It looks as if my daughter will never be home here with us again.  She is too disturbed, and we are simply not enough for her.  She will go on to live with a family more suitable to her needs. 

It looks as if most of my family cannot comprehend this reality and quiet blame and mistrust has chilled into stone-cold silence.

And I don't know how I'll ever get over this.

I thank God Almighty for my son and for my husband.  For despite all my grief and all my loss, I am still a rich woman.

But I simply have nothing to say here.

I have tried to stumble along, trying to find my voice again, my humor, my style.  It is not there.

I can't find anything to say that I think anyone else will care about or that will be worth your time or my time.

Everything seems trite.  The truth is, I have only deeply personal things on my mind and in my heart right now.

And the deeper things are stuck in a stunned pause.

So I will have to say goodbye here.

And thank you all -- every one of you -- who ever saw my name and felt persuaded to see what I had to say that day.  You have done me a kindness that I cherish beyond words.

I will still be around to read your blogs here and there.  While I seem to have nothing worthwhile to say, you all certainly do, and I look forward to stopping by to say hello from time to time, checking in on each of you.  I would miss you terribly if I didn't.

I think I will leave this blog here and maybe some day I will be this person again.  I can't bear to just delete it.

So thank you once again for coming by.  It has meant more than I could ever, ever express.

I wish you each peace, joy, and love . . . the greatest of these is love.





60 comments:

Pixie said...

I hate to see you go, but completely understand. There is a time for everything and right now is the time for you to step away and try to make sense of things.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Mary Ann said...

Take care.

Cindy Ellison said...

I will miss your blog posts but I can understand you not feeling like writing. Prayers have been said for you and your entire family. ♥

sophie...^5 said...

Just as you are getting back into the thick of blogging again...DO take care of you and yours ... Jim Ron and myself will be thinking of you....and YES sneak a look every once in awhile...I really do expect that from you ...hear...CHEERS!

Jim said...

Renee, you are a very courageous woman. I recognized that when I first clicked on your blog.
You have been through a lot and it will change you.....you will never be the same person you were, how could you.
I agree and totally support your decision to bring this 'chapter' to a stop. Time now for you to find your way to a new and revitalized outlook.....one that will include all from the past and all the new 'insights' that you will have.
I wish you all the best and it was my pleasure to meet you from here.
Wait now! I can see a future blog and we will all be keeping an out for you. Take care of yourself.
Jim

Beansieleigh said...

So sorry to hear the pain you are feeling right now Renee.. Do take care, and I'll say a prayer... ((hugs)) ~tina

Cat said...

My dear, sometimes you need to blog, sometimes you need the silence. Obviously, you need the silence. Sending you hugs, and good thoughts, please take care.

Will keep you in my thoughts,
Cat

EFT and Tapping said...

Be always strong and good luck on your life. More power and best wishes!

Anxiety Cause said...

Take care and we're still hoping for the best!

Roseanna said...

Renee, I will miss you. Your ability to express yourself has been inspiring. I always looked forward to what you had to say. You deserve to be kind to yourself right now. Do not listen to the whispers even if they are within your own family. My grandmother had an old sicilian saying about judging the lives of others. "Only the spoon knows, what is at the bottom of the pot". I am heartbroken that you are going through this terrible time...I am sending loads of positive thoughts and prayers for you, and your family. Please feel free to email me anytime you would like to, I will listen.
Fondly,
Roseanna

Bobbi said...

I will miss you, and my heart breaks for you and your family. Will be praying...

ggreen said...

(((Hugs))) I'll miss reading your blog. You know where to find me if you need to chat. I'll always have time to listen.

Lesley said...

I understand, why you feel so bereft of words. I will miss you. Remember, 'This too shall pass'. It might sound trite, but it's very true. I hope you will feel able to come back to us one day. In the meantime, love and Blessings from the UK

Claudia said...

Dear Renee,

I understand completely. You have been through heartbreaking experience. I can't even begin to say I know how it feels because I don't. Know that we are here for you, should you need us. I pray that those who judge you will eventually see the situation more lovingly.

I think it is a good idea to leave the blog here - then if you ever feel the need to post again, it will be waiting for you.

xo
Claudia

Viki said...

I've been lax on my blog and reading and commenting. You've been through a rough time. It's tough when others don't understand decisions that have been made but they didn't walk in your shoes. Peace to you. Hopefully, some day you will feel that pull to come back and blog again. Hang in there.

Di said...

(((((Renee))))) Love you, SweetiePie

Northernlodge said...

My dear friend
You have all crossed my mind so many times..my little scientist, you and your husband, the animals, and of course your daughter.

My heart is broken for all of your pain..as I read through what you wrote about her, with tears running down my face..not only for all of you, but for other parents who have traveled this same path. I see this in my own daughter..rejecting the love from her brothers, and me so she can't be hurt. Despite our efforts to provide the best love we know to give for her, we never quite reach her. Sometimes she's ok with that, other times she is furious with us for not being able to break down unsurmountable barriers she's erected..so I DO understand.

You are always welcome to call me, or send me an email at the polarbearpadi account.

We can't understand other people's journeys..it's difficult enough to comprehend our own.
all I can offer is a blanket of love...
Your friend always, Patti

June said...

Oh Rene, I wish I could find some words to comfort you with all you have lost. Just know I love you and am grateful that our paths have crossed. I do hope you choose to not delete the blog. It will be a measuring stick later on how far you will come once the stunning blow wears off.
sending love to you...

John Gray said...

I am sorry for me....as I am losing someone who commented with thought on my blog!
take care and drop us a comment occassionally
johnx

Gail said...

Oh Renee, my heart aches for you. I will keep you in my prayers. God has a plan in this, as hard as it may be to see.... He always is ahead of us.
Love, prayers, hugs,
Gailx

LemonyRenee' said...

Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers. They mean a lot.

I WILL be by to visit you all. :)

Knitty said...

You and your blog won't be forgotten. If you decide to write again in a different setting, I hope you will let us know. If not, remember that you have enriched many lives with what you have shared with us.

Wishing you only the best, now and forever...

Kelly A. Harmon said...

Missing your posts already. Take care of you and your family... Wishing you peace.

If you need to talk, I'm only an email away.

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Hi Renee':
Know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I'll miss your sense of humor the most, I think. I know there are times when life just isn't funny, but you always were able to find something to cause a giggle. I'll pray that that returns to you. It's a rare gift.
Blessings and love,
Donna

Buttercup said...

Take good care of yourself and know that there is a blogger in New York who is so glad that she had the opportunity to meet you. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and hope you will stop by and visit when you can.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Oh, sweetie... I am so sorry about your daughter. That must be such a hard blow to your heart, and I can understand how you would be feeling numb. Please know I am thinking of you and hoping that it will all turn out alright. I pray that she is able to come home to you some day. I'm so sorry.

And I hate to see you leave us, Renee. I have so enjoyed blogging with you. I hope that if you feel like it, you will return. Maybe you just need a little break.

Love to you and to your precious son and hubby. My thoughts are certainly with you along with my love.

XOXOXO,

Sheila (who is keeping a light on for you!)

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Renee, I just read your link about your daughter, and now I understand exactly what you are up against. I have read about this syndrome before, and I know how hard it is on the parents and family. I'm so very sorry, and I'm sending many warm thoughts your way. Love you, sweet girl...

XO,

Sheila

Vicki said...

I just clicked into your blog after reading your comment on Rhonda's blog, you seemed so nice and caring. I am so flat after reading of your pain with your daughter. We don't know what other people are going through in life, we so often think we do though and some judge. Your writing is full of love and compassion and maybe, in the future some things that you have done, said, shown, will resonate with your daughter, life is like that...unexpected. From reading your comments there are lots of people who love you, wrap yourself up in that love and take some comfort from it.
I wish for you peace and to know that you have done all humanly possible,
Vickixx

Vera said...

I have just come upon your blog by chance, and have been very moved by your story.
I, too, have had a similar experience, - it was with my stepson, and I don't think I have every quite got over the sense of failure I felt when he and I parted company, or the way in which certain members of his family made judgement against me. I could go on for ages about this, but I won't. Just to say, though, that I wish you well, that you tried to your best and no one can fault you for that.

consume me... said...

This is such an honest, heartfelt post. As is evident by the amount of comments here, your blog has touched many and you will be missed. But, I pray you feel the freedom to disconnect for a while and heal. Your humor and spirit and drive WILL come back..but a process of grieving is certainly par for the course. Grieve and feel...allow yourself to run the course of every emotion necessary to get through and thrive on the other side. These days are long, hard and wearying, but on the other side...many many days from now...you will see JOY again. And live. Blessings...

Tricia said...

I am sad to see you end your blogging, but I totally understand! I had a similar thing (not a child) happen to me about 3 years ago and it was really tough. Grief takes its own time. I can testify that things do get better with time, although only you can tell when that time will be. I wish you the very best and stop by my blog anytime! I would love to hear from you, whatever you have to say! We all can't be perky and upbeat all the time. God bless!

Tricia

Itch2stitch.com said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
diney said...

Gosh - I felt quite choked up reading your farewell post. Take care of yourself and keep strong. One day you will wake up and realise once more that you have so much to say and so much you want to share again. I hope the time away will allow you a space or reflection.

bad penny said...

I wish you peace and joy too xx

Tina said...

Oh Renee, I so feel your pain. I'm in the process of watching this happen to someone I love. The child she adopted has had to be placed in a therapeutic foster home awaiting re-adoption. Meanwhile, she is adrift and despondent and almost unrecognizable. My heart goes out to you with love and prayers. Know that there are others who truly understand what you're going through. I'm not saying *I* do, I'm saying she does. I do hope you return to blogging one day. Meanwhile, I give you my prayers and hugs.
Tina @ Life is Good

Natasha said...

I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I have been thinking of you...

Best wishes,
Natasha.

Becky K. said...

I have not been by here for too long and did not know what you were going through. I cannot imagine the pain....but I will keep you in my prayers. Praying for healing and peace. Praying that you might find your voice once again if it helps.

Jim said...

Renee, so good to hear from you! Often wonder how things are going with your family. Sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling......I really hope she finds peace. And as soon as she does, so will you.

Tricia said...

Renee! I am sooooo glad you stopped by my blog. I miss hearing from you and was so happy to see your little name pop up. Have a wonderful day, Girl!
Missing you,
Tricia

Itch2stitch.com said...

I understand completely, I am still not back on here yet, I don't know why my last comment has been removed, but you know I am here if you need me. Suzie xxx

Gail said...

Hoping and praying that you are well.

Itch2stitch.com said...

Still thinking of you! Suzie x

Knitty said...

Thinking of you and wishing you the best. I'm sure I'm not alone in missing you. Maybe one day you'll feel like starting a new blog? If so, please let us know.

Jim said...

Funny this 'blogland' is! I was just reading a comment you had left last June on a post about my brother. Thanks you again for that.
I hope things are well with you and your family and your lives are moving ahead with lots of 'light'!
Jim

The Quintessential Magpie said...

I was thinking of you this Christmas, sweetie, and wanted to wish you a Happy 7th Day and a Happy New Year, too. Sending love your way...

XO,

Sheila :-)

laurie said...

I stumbled upon your blog today,you touched my heart, we ahve all been where you are I think and we all understand.I don't know you and You don't know me, but I hope things are OK, please know that as a blogging community I think we are a good lot and my thoughts go out to you.

GG said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. I hope you are healing.


Gayla

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you need to get off a bridge; not necessary to burn it.
Everyone needs time to heal and grow in this life.

Weza said...

I miss you. xxx

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Chicken Boys said...

Thinking of you, Reneé. Hope you are okay. If you get this drop me a line sometime, dear. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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