Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Help

"You are worthy of being helped."

I heard that on television this morning, and it stopped me in my tracks.

This is an issue for me.

Whenever I need help with something, I feel ashamed.

Or dishonest, as if I really could manage without the help and, therefore, I am . . . not worthy of the help.

I often get defensive or even combative when someone tries to help me with something.  

This has caused issues in my marriage from time to time, for marriage is a lifetime of teamwork, of giving and of receiving.  Receiving with an open and free heart is very difficult for me.

I have begun to realize I feel unworthy.

Of course, various circumstances in my life have brought me to places where I have been forced to ask for help.

I do and can ask for help. . . I am certainly not saying that I do everything myself, without help from anyone.

But all the while I am receiving that help, I secretly and silently browbeat myself for it.

This adds conflict to my heart, my life.  It disquiets my soul.

My husband is a generous and gracious care-taker, helper.  It disturbs him that accepting help is so difficult for me.



I could spend many hours and probably many dollars analyzing how this came to be in me.

But I think my time would be better spent repeating that beautifully illuminating sentence above,

"You are worthy of being helped,"

and working to synthesize it into my heart and into my soul.

I am worthy of being helped.

 


And so I bring this to you, dear reader . . . do you feel worthy of being helped? 

Really?    



19 comments:

Di said...

((((SweetiePie)))) I've never thought about feeling worthy of help, but I do know that help is hard for me to accept.

Love you!

Mary Ann said...

Hmmmm......I usually don't ask for help much. I realized that this was a big hurdle for me in my working life. I probably would have got farther ahead if I had swallowed my pride and asked and accepted help. But, that is water under the bridge as they say:) The trouble for me is that it is a habit that's hard for me to break after so many years.

Bobbi said...

I only ask for help when I feel I really need it. But I don't have a problem asking. I know that for me, it feels good to be able to help someone else, so I'm guessing that by asking for help, then the person who is helping me is feeling needed. (does that make sense?)

Claudia said...

I, too, have problems with this. It's hard for me to admit that I don't know something or that I can't handle something myself. I'm getting better about it. I think it requires one to embrace humility - true humility. That hasn't been easy for me because I am a perfectionist and sometimes feel it is a weakness to admit my need for help.

xo
Claudia

sissie said...

I have a hard time accepting help but I believe that I'm worthy of it. I try to do everything myself and this isn't always a good thing. Sometimes I end up very frustrated and wish that I had accepted the help I was offered.

It's hard to change, but I'm working on it.

hugs
Sissie

Jim said...

We are 'soul mates' on this one! Yes, I have a problem seeking or asking for help from anybody. I have always felt that I had 'to do things on my own' because I couldn't depend on any one else.....or felt I couldn't.

Took me a while to 'see' this about myself but I know where it came from for me. My sister and I were given a lot of responsibility at a very early age due to my mother`s illness. We had to be responsible for things of which we were too young. This left me imprinted into a pattern that I could do pretty much anything on my own....thank you very much.

Needless to say all this has caught up with me on occasion and I needed to learn to relinquish some control.It felt better and I realized that yes it was OK to let someone help.

So I`d say YES you are worthy to receive help but You have to believe it. Good luck with this.

Roseanna said...

I know when I need help, but I do feel a little guilty sometimes asking for it. People usually come to me for help.

sophie...^5 said...

Asking for help...sometimes yes sometimes no...I guess it all depends on the requirement and need. I don't mind asking Jim but anyone else ...forget it...I was brought up as an almost only child because my brother was not around very much...thus I did things on my own but always asked for help when I got "discomboobilated"(my word). Jim is really good at making things CLEAR! I'm so fortunate!

consume me... said...

Hmmm...it depends on who I have to ask help of. It is easy to ask for help around my home...a little less easy to ask for it {and sometimes accept it} OUTside my home. Not that I will refuse it, but that I will hesitate...even when I know I need it! I ask God for help everyday, that's an easy one...but people, that's a concept I'm still working on. "Worthy of help"...not something I've asked myself before. Good question to ponder...

consume me... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Knitty said...

The turning point for me came after reading a book about men being wired differently emotionally than women. Men want to fix things when sometimes women just want them to listen to a complaint. Women want men to sense when we want them (expect them) to do X, Y and Z. Bill and I definitely fit the examples in the book. I discussed things with him and it has been better. If I want to just vent, I preface my tirade about my girlfriend driving me crazy by saying I just need him to listen. When he asks what he can do to help, I tell him even if some things seem obvious to another woman (pick up your socks).

I started discussing this with other women and heard a lot of anger and resentment because they thought their husbands should just know what to do, what bugs them, etc. "What happens if you ask him to do these things?" I asked. They haven't asked and don't plan to. If I asked Bill and he turned me down or didn't follow through with something, I would be annoyed, but if all it takes is asking...why not just ask?

Broaden this concept to extend beyond your own four walls.

If a neighbor asks for a ride to the car repair shop to pick up their car, are you upset or offended? If school, church or another group asks if you can donate time or money to a cause, are you upset whether or not you can comfortably say yes? (I used to be, but now don't think my saying no to something is the end of anyone's world)

Most of us are friendly people who want to help others. We may not be able to do everything at all times, but generally we want to help. It makes us feel good.

Now think about that, and turn it around. If you need a helping hand or a caring shoulder, don't you think there are many around you who would love to help? A burden shared is a burden halved.

If you are speaking of heavenly worth and help, for me it goes without question. My vision of our Supreme Being (encompassing what others may call that which I call God)is the embodiment of love.

Be as generous and loving to yourself as you are to others.

Mollye said...

I just found your blog while searching for Suzie and I sure hope she comes back to blogging, but at any rate, I relate to your hurts and pains and I will be back to visit you soon. Hugs, Mollye

bad penny said...

Very brave of you to say this. I needed help last summer and I did ask but didn't receive it from where I expected it but did from elsewhere which was wonderful.

You are worthy - I wish you'd believe it

Dianne said...

Having worked as a Registered Nurse for many years, I learned a long time ago that caring for patients was much easier when we worked as a team...giving and receiving help. Try turning a very large patient by yourself! Not easy! Sometimes, impossible. I think we're meant of offer help when we see someone who needs it...and ask for it when we need it. You're worth it!

janjan said...

I always thought I could cope with everything life through at me. I cared for a sick husband for many years, resisting the help offered. My responsablity, we could manage thank you very much.
When he died I got on with my life, never asking for help - theres always someone else worse off that could do with the help, go give it them.
Went to work one day, three years ago, came home feeling a bit off. Had a heart attack - drove myself to hospital because I didn't want to bother anyone. Had another heart attack and ended up on an emergency helicopter being flown 400 klms away from home for open heart surgery.
Couldn't do anything for six weeks. Friends rallied round and cleaned and cooked and shopped for me. It was so frustrating, but I learnt how to ask for help, it didn't make me a weaker person because I had had to ask. I always felt that if I had to ask for help then it would prove that I couln't cope or handle the situation.
A long time ago when my DH was recovering from a MS episode he asked an old lady if she needed help (she appeared to be struggling with something), she just looked at us and politely said "No thank you, I can manage at this moment in time. But don't ever stop asking, because one day I might need your assistance".
I know this is a long comment, but the other day I had to ask for help - I had left the car lights on and flattened the battery, I had left my mobile at home and I needed to get home to tell a friend her father was dying. I stood by my car frustrated and helpless and then I thought blow it, whats the worst any person can say to me if I ask them for help. I walked up to a nearby building site and asked the first man I saw.
A really big big thing for me to do, he helped straight away, got my car started and calmed me down by a few simple words.
I am renowned amongst my friends for being independant, they laugh with me about my inability to ask for help. They also get very mad at me.
I also looked at it another way - the person who has offered their help could also be hurt by my refusal to let them help me. So now if anyone tells me that all I have to do is ask and they will help is to tell them what the old lady in the carpark told my husband.
For everyone down in the gutter there is always a hand out to lift them up.

Jan

kath001 said...

I relate totally. I grew up being taught, by word and example, that asking for help was showing a sign of weakness and/or made you inferior to others. That is a rough lesson to shed. And it has some negative titles: inability to delegate, control freak, perfectionist. I still struggle with it.

June said...

My friends get really exasperated at me for not asking for help when they think I need it. But that's just it. THEY think I need it! When I need help, I am pretty good at asking for it (I think) I certainly take a lot of advantage of my sweet helpful husband.

But I KNOW YOU are worthy of help sweetie...YOU just need to believe it yourself! I think it's great that you have identified this in yourself so you can be aware of it. There is no one more deserving than you Rene!
hugs to you...

Cindy Ellison said...

This was a good blog topic. I am not one to ask for help but of course I have had to have some help in my life. It has not been easy for me to even allow my husband to help me. I am working on this and accepting his help more often now.

Maybe I am being selfish and not allowing help now because I am "saving up" for the day I truly may need help. A strange thought, I know ♥

Jenny said...

I remember once years ago someone told me I was selfish because although I could give help and aid to anyone, I could never gracefully ACCEPT it. That really hit me right between the eyes.

This was a wonderful post.

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