I Need to Stop; A Goodbye

I've been thinking about this for some time.

It is time to say goodbye here, to stop blogging.

The reason is that I simply have nothing to say.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I have been struggling.

I'm not the same person I was when I began this blog a year and a half ago.

Much has happened, and much has been lost.

I feel as if I am in a bit of a state of stun.

You know how you feel, or would feel, after a hard slap across your cheek?  That immediate stun, a moment of incalculable numbness and silence, before you awake and feel and react?

My whole life is in that state right now.

It looks as if my daughter will never be home here with us again.  She is too disturbed, and we are simply not enough for her.  She will go on to live with a family more suitable to her needs. 

It looks as if most of my family cannot comprehend this reality and quiet blame and mistrust has chilled into stone-cold silence.

And I don't know how I'll ever get over this.

I thank God Almighty for my son and for my husband.  For despite all my grief and all my loss, I am still a rich woman.

But I simply have nothing to say here.

I have tried to stumble along, trying to find my voice again, my humor, my style.  It is not there.

I can't find anything to say that I think anyone else will care about or that will be worth your time or my time.

Everything seems trite.  The truth is, I have only deeply personal things on my mind and in my heart right now.

And the deeper things are stuck in a stunned pause.

So I will have to say goodbye here.

And thank you all -- every one of you -- who ever saw my name and felt persuaded to see what I had to say that day.  You have done me a kindness that I cherish beyond words.

I will still be around to read your blogs here and there.  While I seem to have nothing worthwhile to say, you all certainly do, and I look forward to stopping by to say hello from time to time, checking in on each of you.  I would miss you terribly if I didn't.

I think I will leave this blog here and maybe some day I will be this person again.  I can't bear to just delete it.

So thank you once again for coming by.  It has meant more than I could ever, ever express.

I wish you each peace, joy, and love . . . the greatest of these is love.

Peace Doves

My beautiful pigeons.

They look like peace doves.

Peace. . .

In the words of the great Jeff Smith today, 

"I bid you peace."

Help

"You are worthy of being helped."

I heard that on television this morning, and it stopped me in my tracks.

This is an issue for me.

Whenever I need help with something, I feel ashamed.

Or dishonest, as if I really could manage without the help and, therefore, I am . . . not worthy of the help.

I often get defensive or even combative when someone tries to help me with something.  

This has caused issues in my marriage from time to time, for marriage is a lifetime of teamwork, of giving and of receiving.  Receiving with an open and free heart is very difficult for me.

I have begun to realize I feel unworthy.

Of course, various circumstances in my life have brought me to places where I have been forced to ask for help.

I do and can ask for help. . . I am certainly not saying that I do everything myself, without help from anyone.

But all the while I am receiving that help, I secretly and silently browbeat myself for it.

This adds conflict to my heart, my life.  It disquiets my soul.

My husband is a generous and gracious care-taker, helper.  It disturbs him that accepting help is so difficult for me.



I could spend many hours and probably many dollars analyzing how this came to be in me.

But I think my time would be better spent repeating that beautifully illuminating sentence above,

"You are worthy of being helped,"

and working to synthesize it into my heart and into my soul.

I am worthy of being helped.

 


And so I bring this to you, dear reader . . . do you feel worthy of being helped? 

Really?    

Extra Love Today

Sometimes people bemoan Valentine's Day 

as a "Hallmark Holiday" ~

Or they say they don't need a special day set aside for expressing love, 

that it should be done every day.

Yes, it should be done every day.

But I think it is lovely to think of Valentine's Day as icing on the cake, 

a little insurance, a day to do that little extra thing, 

add that extra sweetness ~

What a good reminder it is ~

And, to me, any reminder to do the out-of-ordinary is welcomed ~

So, then, to you, Dear Readers, I say:

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wishing you all much love, today,
and

All year long.

Inspiration and Aspiration

Ever been to Amsterdam?

It's one of my favorite cities.

Bicycles are everywhere, and it is fun to see how people personalize their bicycles to fit their personal styles and functions.

If I ever move to Amsterdam, or achieve likewise coolness, I will buy myself one of these . . . and then choose a bicycle to suit it.

What is it?

It is a "Crocheted Bicycle Dress Guard," of course -- keeps your skirt or coat tails out of the spokes as you're riding.

 

Or perhaps I prefer this style . . . can't decide.

Made by Darkandstormydays on Etsy, they are a vision of beauty and functionality, and I had to show them to you.

Someday, I aspire to be riding a bicycle in a long, flowing skirt without a care in the world.

I just decided that. 

Chicken Coax

Go out and play in the snow . . . don't be a chicken!